Part 1 of the CalmFurkid Series
As women, and especially moms, we feel the pressure to be perfect or at the very least having things look perfect from the outside. All too often we fall into the trap of this pressure and forget to look after ourselves. As dog moms we are no different. Added to this, the fact that I am a Specialist Wellness Counsellor by profession, which means everyone expects me to not only have it together but to also have all the answers, makes the story I am about to tell you one that is not only personal but one that, until recently, was hard to tell.
I. The Joburg Puppy
We often remember the “before” times with a certain kind of clarity. When Luna was a puppy in Johannesburg, she was the picture of confidence. Independent, curious, a total “cuddle bunny”, and the friendliest puppy; she moved through the world with ease. Life was stable, and our bond was simple.
Then, the shift happened. My husband’s contract ended, and we moved to Nelspruit. On the surface, it was just a move for a job. But looking back, it was the moment the ground started to feel less solid. I didn’t know it then, but we were moving into a 2.5-year cycle of instability—waiting for the next contract, waiting for the next move, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
II. The Invisible Burden: The Emotional Regulator
I am used to making everything “okay” for everyone else. I am used to being the listener, to hold space for others. I thought that if I could regulate the energy of the space; if I could manage others’ difficult emotions by keeping my own light and upbeat, then everything would be okay. And the truth is it was great…for everyone else.
I thought I was keeping the peace. I thought I was masking the stress. But in reality, I was living in a state of constant high-alert. My nervous system was vibrating with an anxiety I wasn’t ready to admit to, and because Luna’s heart is so closely tied to mine, she was co-signing that anxiety every single day. I could wear a mask with everyone else, but not with her. Furkids are pure heart.
III. Luna’s Language: When Anxiety Becomes Compulsion
Dogs don’t have words for “instability” or “marital problems”, so they speak through behaviour. In Nelspruit, Luna’s “language” began to change. Little quirks became obsessions, her confidence disappeared, and she became scared of everything.
- The Shadows: She became obsessed with chasing light reflections and shadows—a hallmark of Canine Compulsive Disorder (CCD).
- The Walls: She grew more fearful of strangers, barking at the very people she once wanted to greet and play with.
- The Circle: She became territorial and possessive over me, growling at her cousin if she dared to get too close to me.
I asked the Vet for advice more than once. They all agreed that if it continued or got any worse, she might need anti-depressants for CCD. We tried over-the-counter help, like Anxitane, which provided some relief, but the root cause remained invisible to me. I was trying to “fix” my furkid while my own internal world was collapsing.
IV. The Breakthrough: Admitting the Truth
Then I reached my breaking point. I couldn’t cope with the strain of my relationship anymore and moved back to Johannesburg to stay with my sister and mom.
It was only in the stillness of that move that the mask finally slipped. I realised I wasn’t just “stressed”—I was deeply depressed and anxious. I had been struggling for much longer than I wanted to admit or even actually realised. I needed help.
My Mom said it first, and the realisation hit me like a wave: Luna is my mirror. As I had been getting worse over the last two years, she had been getting worse right alongside me. As I became more anxious and depressed, she became more anxious and compulsive.
To help my baby I needed to help myself. So, I sought professional help, started new medication and therapy, and made the incredibly difficult decision to ask for a divorce.
V. The Calm Connection: Our Dual Recovery
The most beautiful part of this story is what happened next. As I started to heal, Luna started to heal. As my nervous system began to settle with the help of therapy and support, her hyper-vigilance began to fade. We are recovering together.
The Message is this: If you are struggling with an anxious furkid, you haven’t failed them. You are both responding to an environment. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and you cannot settle a dog’s spirit when your own is in turmoil. To heal the dog, we must first hold space for the human.
Take the First Step
I realised I couldn’t see the patterns until I started writing them down. If you feel like your furkid might be reflecting your own stress, I’ve created a Calm Connection 7-Day Snapshot Tracker (Download Below). Use it for one week to see if your “heavy days” match their “anxious days.” Let’s start finding the patterns together.
Our journey of healing is not done, so Luna and I want to invite you to join us as we share the truths of the bond between dog mom and furkid, even when it’s not pretty.